Last Sunday I went to the most beautiful Palm Sunday service I’ve ever attended. Its impact is certainly sticking with me this week. I was caught off guard by a particular moment in the service during a call and response reading of The Passion according to Matthew. They had various members play characters in the story like Jesus, Peter, Judas, the High Priest, Pilate, etc. Once we had gotten to the part of the story where the people choose to release Barabbas instead of Jesus I was stunned by shouts around me saying, “Let him be crucified!”
I have a serious problem. It goes something like this. I walk into a coffee shop, a really cool coffee shop mind you, and I can feel the eyes of the man-bun wearing, beanie adorning cool kids bearing down on me. I order my coffee and muffin, and they see me carefully gliding to a chair trying not to spill my Guatemalan gold.
Our lives are messy and full. Most of the time we are operating past a healthy capacity. I have been feeling the fatigue of unhealthy limits lately. It leaves me cloudy, confused and unclear. By the grace of God, he helped me snap out of it. Oftentimes my path to clarity begins with an honest conversation, either with the Lord, or Craig. After I spoke up, we came to the conclusion I simply lacked vision for this new season I was on the brink of.
Lately I’ve really enjoyed beginning my day with a Psalm. I find that the honest, vulnerable pursuit of God in the writing of David helps set the tone for how I should live my day. This morning Psalm 18:24 really stood out to me: “God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”
I have been struggling lately. Certain seasons unfortunately carry with them a weight of pain that sometimes feels unbearable. For me, recovering from childbirth has been one of those seasons. Most new mothers would tell you these first several weeks are more difficult and painful than anyone could really warn. It’s unfortunately not something you can truly prepare yourself for, and no amount of advice keeps you from actually having to walk through it.
I’ve really been sucking at this whole “counting others more significant than myself” thing lately. It feels like all I can think about is myself and my own situation. Sure, I’m extremely uncomfortable. I’m almost 41 weeks pregnant. I’m irritable and moody, and very discontent. But I don’t think Paul is saying, “Hey! Everyone who’s not 40 weeks, look to the interests of others and consider them more important than yourself.” I’m not excluded from this command even though it’s the end of August in Texas, and I’m still the size of a whale.